It’s the topic on every young person’s mind as they prepare for another visit home for Thanksgiving. In such a divided country, how do you broach the difficult topics with family at the dinner table without ruining the festivities for yourself or your family?
Is it best to sit idly by while your uncle and his horrible twin sons, dressed in identical and connected overalls, relay Joel Klatt’s disgusting rhetoric? Is there an appropriate way to dispute the “Strength of Record” Facebook memes that your bright red great aunt insists on showing you? How do you respond with care to your completely rectangular police officer godfather, twice-removed, eschewing the propaganda that he sees every day on the Big Ten Network?
How do you talk to your family about the hottest topic of the year: Group of Five football?
The Outside Zone is here to tell you.
Start With The Bearcats
The vast majority of your family isn’t going to be especially well-versed in G5 football. You have to remember that you’re the one that spends all day online thinking about Toledo football, while they’re out at the coal mines listening to eight consecutive hours of local sports talk radio. Their biases against the G5 are a result of ignorance and propaganda, not of any deep-seated beliefs. You’ve done more research on this than they have. Be confident, be firm, and start with the common ground: Cincinnati.
Everyone knows about Cincinnati this season. The Bearcats are fourth in the latest College Football Playoff rankings and look set to be the first G5 program to break into the playoff since its advent in 2014. They’re a topic on the national shows, and they offer an easy entry point for sheep-dipping your beloved family members into a new brain disease that makes them care about Marshall football.
However, don’t talk about Cincinnati in argumentative terms. You’re not here to say that you earnestly believe that Cincinnati is going to beat Ohio State (it will, but you’re not here to say that), you’re here to get people in the door. Avoid any discussions about what the potential playoff field might look like and about which teams are most deserving, and talk instead about what you like about Cincinnati.
Desmond Ridder and the passing attack has been looking strong lately. Jerome Ford is healthy again, and Cincinnati has a bunch of P5 transfers on the offensive line that make it a lot closer to a Big Ten group than the standard G5 fare.
The defense ranks as one of the best in the nation, there isn’t a better cornerback duo than Ahmad Gardner and Coby Bryant and it’s coming off one of the best performances of the season against SMU. These guys beat Notre Dame, in South Bend! This is football small talk, but it’s effective for establishing Cincinnati as a real team, rather than just a talking point.
If you’re in the Midwest, be sure to prop up Luke Fickell’s Ohio State bonafides too, and really push that he turned down USC and LSU to stay at Cincinnati. You want to make the Bearcats sound as legitimate and familiar as possible so as not to scare those around you.
Do not mention advanced analytics or the fact that Tulsa and Navy actually play everyone close. Stay away from the negatives, just talk about Cincinnati as if you’re a sports information director. Keep it positive, keep it light and keep it moving.
Ask Questions
While you do want to establish Cincinnati as a respectable and important program early in the conversation, it’s important you not dominate the room, either. Your family members have a lot to say too, and they’ll check out if you spend 45 consecutive minutes explaining Cincinnati’s simulated pressures. You have to keep them involved.
How do you do that without stoking the flames of discourse? Be curious without being condescending. Ask earnestly about why they feel that a two-loss Alabama shouldn’t be cast directly into the flames of the abyss. Provide opportunities for them to explain their beliefs about Oklahoma State so that you can better identify which host of the Cover 3 Podcast has corrupted their brains.
Even if you disagree that Notre Dame deserves another shot at the playoff because Brian Kelly just seems like such a nice young man, it’s still important that you prove that you’re listening by asking follow-up questions. Why do you feel that Ohio State has played a single good team? Which of Oklahoma’s four completed passes against every P5 team it has played this season was your favorite? When was the last time that you felt anything other than complete misery when watching your favorite team play?
Again, you’re introducing new and strange ideas by talking about G5 football. Make your family members feel comfortable by allowing them to expand on their ideas. Don’t shut them out, welcome them in before you softly guide them into a life of staying up until 2 a.m. on a Saturday to see what Brady Hoke has cooking at San Diego State.
Share Your Experiences With G5 Football
We’re trying to familiarize others with the G5 football experience, and a great way to do that is by humanizing it, like we’re doing with Cincinnati. Your family members are far more likely to be open to learning about MAC football if you tell them a story about how NIU winning its division after going winless last year made you cry a little bit.
Any example you can provide will do the trick. Talk about Blake Anderson’s move from Arkansas State to Utah State, taking a program that was left for dead and immediately turning it into a title contender. Explain the importance of the Georgia Southern-Appalachian State rivalry, and why everyone should be deeply offended by Georgia Southern’s decision to go away from the triple option.
This is where you’re really going to get some work done. Pick out your favorite moments as a G5 football fan and present them as moments that others can enjoy too. Give your family members context for the big games of the weekend and the best stories of the season.
Their affinity for the P5 comes from familiarity, not enjoyment. Offer an alternative that feels similar, while being sure to point out the advantages of G5 football - namely, it provides an opportunity to root for teams that aren’t financed directly by banks, oil companies, known pedophiles, or all three. These are real football programs with real history and traditions, and it’s up to you to introduce the uninitiated.
Stick To The Positives, Like Conference Title Races
This is the key to everything here. You don’t want to get down in the mud with your 350-pound nephew, who smokes three packs of cigarettes a day and has only ever watched Iowa football. Argument is not the goal of this mission, and any forays into it need to be steered away from quickly. You’re selling G5 football, not arguing against P5 football.
So, sell something good. Talk about the C-USA title race, and how Western Kentucky and Marshall are playing a de facto division title game on Saturday when there really isn’t going to be a whole lot else on. Offer to watch San Diego State-San Jose State with them on Thanksgiving night, and mention that if San Diego State wins, it’ll play one of Air Force, Boise State (that’s right, the guys with the blue field!) or Utah State in the MWC title. Tell them that Cincinnati and Houston have two of the nation’s best defenses and they’re going to play in the AAC title game next week.
If you’ve all been taking your conference title and bowl pills as instructed, this will be easy. You know the talking points, you know the big league races and games, and you know how to indoctrinate your bloodline.
Be Sure To Cite Your Sources
It’s important when having any discussions like these that you cite your sources, so your family knows that the information you’re providing is legitimate.
Start every sentence with, ‘Well, I saw on The Outside Zone newsletter, available three times a week for just five dollars a month,’ or, ‘The Outside Zone newsletter, available three times a week for just five dollars a month,’ or even, ‘Per The Outside Zone newsletter, which I hear is very reasonably priced these days’ to avoid any arguments about sourcing.
When your family members know that you aren’t getting your facts from faulty sources like ESPN or FOX, they’ll be more likely to engage you in good faith.